Living in your truth is not as easy as it should be… but I pride myself on being transparent, especially when working on the mission of helping the next person. So as I sit her typing, I’m still trying to find the words to describe what and how actually happened.
It all begin for me about 3 years ago, completing my master’s degree, working full time in the field that I loved and had a great support system. But something was missing, I didn’t feel complete and man was I stressed (but most probably never knew it). Things were going on around me daily, I felt like things just weren’t were they should be. My life was NOT going according to the plan that I had created…. Problem #1
Fast forward a few frustrations (just a part of this thing we call life). In 2014, I made the decision to move out of state. Unknown to many of my friends and family, it was something I had contemplated for several years (more specifically since completing undergrad), but hey things got in the way. From the outside, it appeared that one day I woke up and said “I’m moving next month”… which I can see looks pretty crazy and really unprepared. However, there was no impulse behind my relocation, although in retrospect I was running… running from being “everything to everybody.” I figured if I move, they can’t call on me for the daily dose of shenanigans. I can’t help from hundreds of miles away and maybe some people will just learn to rely on themselves! So I ran to Georgia, without a friend or relative in sight and I was okay with that. In the beginning it was a relief to come home and only have to worry about me (even my dog was left in Chicago for a while). I enjoyed the peace and distant phone calls. But I was not prepared for the storm that was ahead of me… Problem #2
Now let’s backtrack a minute. For as long as I can remember, my dream profession has been a Child Psychologist. Although there have been some alterations in that plan, specifically more in regards to titles, I have remained focused on helping the kids. So now, degrees in hand, new to a state with experience in the field. I have a job, but not exactly what I want to do (which was also one of my driving forces to leave Chicago). After a few months, I finally get a job doing EXACTLY what I want to do in this moment!! I’m excited and didn’t put too much thought (less than 24 hours) into quitting my “safe” job. Months roll pass and life happens… money not rights, bills getting behind. I had NEVER been in this situation and now I’m here with no one to turn to. Remember, I left all of them in Chicago! Now don’t get me wrong, I talked to my friends and family, but less than a hand full of people truly knew what was going on. I didn’t (and for the most part, still don’t) talk to people about my problems, I’m the therapist, right… Problem #3
Now here I am broke, broken and probably diagnosable depressed, with no real outlets. I talk to my mother, but of course she just didn’t understand my struggle. My friend was a sounding board, but that didn’t help me too much. My boyfriend just didn’t seem to get it, but hey he’s a guy right? So what do I do? Well, my professional self says – talk it out, use some coping skills to deal with the stress, journal. Yup, did it all, nothing worked. My spiritual self says – take it to God, pray, activate your faith, find a church home, worship in song. Tried it, felt like an epic failure. With so much going on, life was at a standstill or at least I thought… Problem #4
Every morning I tried my best to put a smile on my face, work with clients who were also broken, deal with a job that paid me pennies (that’s what it felt like) and feel so alone in such a crowded world. In my alone time, I cried and cried some more. I spent my nights trying to figure out how to get myself out of the madness I’ve created – I came up with some extreme options, thankfully never following through with any of them – and my days were spent trying my best to cover up my pain. It was rough and I was defeated ~ I’ve done everything I’d known to do, I finally decided that my relocation did not work and I needed to go back home, and even that plan was a hard pill for me to swallow. I wanted to be right where I was… location wise. If I went home, that means I’ve failed, right? People will look at me crazy and I have an image to uphold, or so I thought. But I gotta eat, so I put secondary plan in place to move back to Chicago in the upcoming summer- figuring I’d give myself a few more months to try to make it work out here. In the meantime, I had to go to Chicago for a planned event. Thinking nothing of it, I made the trip ~ just so happen, I decided to drive… That trip ended up being the stepping stone I needed. Long story short – several job opportunities presented themselves during this trip (mind you, this is a holiday weekend & I had no intention on thinking about my woes this weekend). I took a few interviews, extended my trip and on the day I planned to return home, I got a job offer that started the next week… Great right? Well, not so much, I didn’t want to be here, especially not this soon. But I guess God has a way of showing a message in all of my madness. I took the job ~ of course (my coins had been depleted) and started a plan for my next relocation (which was truly unplanned). Although some struggles have come along, my return has not been in vain…
I’ve made some great moves since my return and learned A LOT of lessons during this time. First of all, I’m able to identify the issues that presented themselves along the way. Now, I’ve never felt that my life has been on easy street ~ but it has by far being difficult… I have no traumatic story, my parents were there, my family loved me, I was not in an improvised neighborhood. But there were plenty of times I questioned WHY ME?? Had God forsaken me? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished? My faith had failed me, at one point I didn’t even want to talk to God or family or friends… you get my drift.
I finally realized that those “problems” were truly not problems ~ I was not alone and definitely not cursed. It just wasn’t my time, I was running away and I didn’t seek help – professional or personal. Now that I am making my way through this tunnel, vision a little clearer, things appear so much different. I realize I needed that test, in order to have this testimony. I can better appreciate smaller things in life and I am clear that life does not go according to MY plan… What I thought had totally broken me, has truly been the breakthrough I needed. Being broken had now become a gift ~ although strangely understood. In this time, I found that my relationship with God has truly grown, my level of professional insight has increased, my impulsiveness has slowed, I’m open to more and I am more emphatic of others (if you truly know me, you know that this is a definite growth – LOL). Writing this is my first time sharing my truth, and the truth is… I MADE IT THROUGH! I’m far from where I want to be, but I know this is only the beginning, I’m finally clear that this is the birth of Me in the Making.
My prayer is that someone reading this will have the strength to go another day, understand that your lowest point, is only just the beginning, reach out for help and know there is always sunshine after the rain. Remember being broken is a gift ~ I chose to use my gift to help others discover the person within waiting to be released.